Old Man
by ArtificialAorta
Summary: The dangers of a Torchwood life leaves little room for jokes and laughter but with a sight like this how can Tosh, Owen and Gwen resist? Suggestions of Janto


**Warning: Contains suggestions of homo-eroticism, though if you're not used to it from Jack than I'm surprised. Also one or two naughty words**

**Spoilers: For Season 2 of Torchwood (Reset onwards) and a small tiny Doctor Who S2/S4 reference.**

**A/N: Set after another one shot fic I've been writing up but you don't have to read it. Then again you can't because it's not up as I'm in desperate need of a beta for it, though I don't know **_**really**_** how to get one...and oh look, I'm rambling like the Doctor ;D**

**P.S. Not beta read so all mistakes are mine...forgive me?**

**Disclaimer: RTD and BBC are of Gods... I am mere mortal who is waiting for the new Ianto action figure.**

There weren't many nice things about being a living dead zombie in Owen's opinion but there were a few things that made the days better. One of which was occurring right now.

When Owen Harper had walked into work from a horribly depressing night of sleepless musings, he did not expect to see Jack in the comic position he currently took. In fact, he wouldn't have even noticed if Jack hadn't mumbled angrily into the couch. Owen was able to take this glorious moment to turn around from walking towards the medical bay to see Jack laying belly down, ass up over an arm of the Hub couch. His face was smashed against the course material and there was a gel pack on his back. This scene was exactly what Owen needed to lift him out of his funk. So he did what any self respecting member of the living dead would do given the situation. He laughed his ass off.

The laughs caused Jack to turn his head so he could see who was there. A deep frown was the dominate feature of his face as he watched Owen fall on his ass and start to roll from laughter.

"I can cut your wages" growled Jack which did nothing to sober Owen. After the worse of the giggles subsided, Owen finally replied

"So? I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't shit, piss or fuck. Nothing I really need to buy. But really what happened? Rough shag with Tea Boy?" Just as Owen said those words, Ianto had stepped into view only to widen his eyes at the scene and words. He tried to quickly turn around and avoid mortification when Owen saw him

"Speaking of the devil. What the bloody hell happened?"

"Jack...threw out his back." Ianto chose his words carefully but it still caused Owen to go into more hysteric seizures.

"How?" Owen managed to get out between his laughs. If he were still alive he'd probably be crying

"He-"

"Ianto did me over your desk and it was a little too much for me. Normally he's the one bending down" Jack said with such bluntness that Owen's laughs immediately stopped and his face contorted into disgust. Ianto snapped his head towards Jack and started to blush

"You're kidding aren't you Harkness?" asked Owen with disbelief etched onto his features

"Nope" deadpanned Jack "Now will you do something about my back? That's an order"

"Fine, but Tea Boy here better be cleaning my desk with a bottle of bleach today." grumbled Owen as he took a closer look at Jack's back. There seemed to be nothing more serious than severe muscle cramps often accompanying people of older age. Jack would just have to keep a warm gel pack on his back, stay put in his office and not go out on any field missions in addition to hearing many old jokes.

"Why are you here so early?" Ianto asked carefully as Owen came back with some pain killers

"It was either stay at home and not sleep or go to work and not sleep. At least here there's something to do. Here are a few pain killers Jack. Though old man, I think a better suggestion would be to not do any strenuous activity." Owen said

"I'm not an old man!" insisted Jack

"Yeah and I'm not dead. Ageing is nothing to be afraid of Jack" Owen assured as he tried to hold back laughs. This was just too much fun

"I'm not old! My body is one that would rival a 23 year old!" shouted Jack

"Your obviously wrong Captain Ego" Owen replied as he and Ianto tried to get Jack to sit back up. At that moment, Gwen and Tosh decided to arrive just in time to see Ianto and Owen try to move Jack from the couch

"I think I need to get to work early more often if I'm going to be met with a sight like this every time." Gwen giggled as Jack was finally moved from the couch onto his feet. He still couldn't move properly so was standing bent over

"If that's what I needed to do get you guys in on time I should have done this a long time ago." Jack grumbled sarcastically as Gwen and Tosh giggled towards the couch

"What happened Jack?" Tosh asked

"Rough night with Tea Boy" Owen answered "I still want to see you with bleach by my desk by the way." he shot at Ianto

"Jack was joking about that. We didn't have sex over your desk." Ianto claimed

"So we changed what it's called now?" Jack asked suggestively

"I hope it wasn't over my desk." mentioned Gwen "I said I didn't know that piece of alien tech was going to latch on to the nearest hottest surface and I didn't know the nearest hottest surface would be Jack's-"

"Okay! That's enough!" interrupted Jack angrily. If his team was going to act like this in a crisis then Cardiff was doomed.

"When my grandfather had a muscle cramp my grandmother used to massage it." Offered Tosh as they all started to manoeuvre Jack towards his office

"If you think I'm going to massage Jack you're shitting yourself." Owen all but shouted "I'm a doctor, not some bloody masseuse!"

"Actually, I was thinking maybe Ianto." Tosh gave a small smile

"I thought we wanted Jack to get better. Not have another back spasm." Gwen said cheekily earning a slight hit on her arm from Ianto

"Please Gwen, I think I can handle a simple blow job in my condition." informed Jack, getting a few disgusted looks. It worked though and shut up the team for a while

After fifteen minutes and a few more badly placed old jokes, Jack was finally sitting in his chair. The pain killers were starting to take effect and Tosh had offered to get him another warm gel for his back. The morning was slowly returning to normal as Ianto got everyone their coffees and Jack felt his body start to fix itself

Fortunately for him, he was saved a few more cheeky suggestions as he was ordered not to leave his office for a few more hours. Ianto was not saved that luxury

"So tiger, what's your secret" Gwen smiled as she took her second cup of the day from Ianto's coffee tray

"It's just a splash of milk and two sugars. You're normal cup." replied Ianto slightly confused

"No! I mean, how'd you pull out Jack's back?" she rolled her eyes slightly and Ianto saw Tosh lean in towards them

"I told you, he just had an accident."

"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" asked Gwen knowingly

"It has nothing to do with sex!" insisted Ianto as he handed Tosh her mug

"Please, you two go at it like a couple of genetically engineered rabbits" Owen said loudly as he walked up from the medical bay, "Besides Jack's how old? He was bound to pull something one of these days. If you ask me it's karma."

"So was your death a punishment for all the innocent girls you mercilessly took advantage of?" asked Gwen

"You seemed to enjoy it." winked Owen as he passed by and avoided a hit from Gwen, "Come on Tea Boy, tell us. I'm a little interested myself. Had I the ability to get a hard on I'd like to know how to keep a bird from walking." That earned him three angry glares

"Please Ianto? If not tell me then give Rhys some advice." Gwen was able to dodge a crushed Post-It from Ianto

"If you want decaf feel free to keep on asking. He slipped and fell, end of story." Ianto warned before going down to the archives.

"Slipped and fell when Ianto was bumming him that is." stated Owen as he started to head towards the medical bay

"Seriously Tosh, what do you think happened? I mean Jack's must have done thousands of sex things. What could Ianto have done to give him a back problem?" questioned Gwen.

"Maybe Jack really is just getting old." Tosh shrugged and went back to her work. She knew she'd get Ianto to talk later

"Good night Tea Boy!" Owen called out as the door from the hub to the tourist office opened. Ianto turned around from his writing to see Owen, Gwen and Tosh ready to leave

"Jack said we can all go home early." explained Tosh

"Though I think he wants you to stay." Gwen smiled slyly "Can't get enough of his Welsh sex god I suppose." she started to laugh as she walked out the door "Night Ianto, be gentle now!"

"See ya Tea Boy and really, I don't want to have to deal with a cramped up Jack tomorrow. He's old, give the guy a break." Owen shouted before closing the door

Now it was just Tosh and Ianto in the tourist office.

"So...what really happened?" Tosh asked

"I told you guys!" Ianto claimed as he went back to writing "It was a simple accident. Jack slipped and hurt his back."

"Come on Ianto, it's just us! I won't tell, promise." she pouted as Ianto walked from behind the desk and wrapped an arm around her waist. He lead her towards the door and gave her a chaste kiss on the forehead

"He slipped. End of story. Good night Tosh" Ianto insisted. After a hug Tosh decided to accept the explanation and walked towards her car. When she looked in her purse for her keys, she found a small note. Once inside her car, she took a closer look

'Tosh, I'll tell you what happened over dinner tomorrow. Jack will get grumpy if he saw us talking on the CCTV. You won't believe it when I tell you. Love Ianto'

Tosh had a large smile as she turned on the ignition. She knew there had to be something more to the story.

Thirty minutes later, Ianto finished his reports and closed down the Tourist Shop. When he walked back into the hub, he fed Myfanwy and a few of their less friendly cell inhabitants. It was nearing midnight when he finally finished cleaning up the rest of the hub. His last stop now was to pick up the mug from Jack's office.

"Ianto! Here for another go? When I let the team out early I was surprised you didn't sprint here." Jack exclaimed when Ianto appeared in the doorway

"Myfanwy doesn't feed herself sir. Besides your back may cause problems if you forgot."

"Minor incident. It won't happen again." Jack waved it off

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want my elderly boss to have a heart attack because of me." Ianto had moved into the office and perched on the edge of Jack's desk

"Don't you start either. I had to sit through old man jokes every time someone brought in a file."

"Just a simple observation sir." shrugged Ianto

"So what do you say? Another go?" there was a naughty glint in Jack's eyes that Ianto didn't trust

"I'm not sure sir, I don't want a repeat of this morning."

"Come on!" Jack stood up and walked from behind his desk so he could bend forward and touch his toes. "See! All better."

"I don't know sir. If I remember correctly that's not how it happened."

"_Please_ Yan!" Jack put his hands together and pouted

"Sir..."

"Come on Yan! It was bad judgement on my part. I promise this round will be better."

"I can hardly fathom how you will ensure Scrabble to be a safe experience from now on."

"I won't get angry this time! Hand over my heart see. I swear I won't get angry and throw the letters on the ground then storm off and slip on a wayward O."

"Promise?"

"Promise! Now let's start!" Jack said excitedly as he pulled out the game from a drawer in his desk. With a chuckle, Ianto started to clean up to make room for the Scrabble board. He admitted that when Jack first suggested to play Scrabble, he assumed it was an odd veil for some innovative sex game he had thought up. Turns out Jack just really likes Scrabble. Though it was these simple things that made Ianto fall for Jack more. It was things like these that made life seem all the more normal and liveable in the impossible world of Torchwood.

Nope, there was no way Tosh was going to believe him. Ianto smiled a little as he started to pick out his letters. Maybe he could burn some of this CCTV feed onto a disc for proof later.

"All right now Ianto, I'll go first! I have here, Ood. What? It's a real species I promise!"

Life with Jack Harkness definitely had it's twists and turns but Ianto knew he would do anything within his power to make sure stayed for all the curves. Even if Jack relentlessly cheated at Scrabble and still lost.


End file.
